Monday, November 21, 2016

Eyes

 
 
PHOTO PROMPT © Bj√∂rn Rudberg
 
 
 
The crowd was rooting for him. Women were throwing kisses in the air and one was even begging him to marry her. He is so lucky.
As he scanned the sea of faces earnestly, his eyes gleamed as they locked on hers. I live for you woman.
She smiled at him awkwardly, mouthing the words “I Love you, too’”.  He saw it again. The distance. The guilt. Guilt of not loving him back the way he did.
Eyes. How they give it all away.
His heart shattered into a million pieces. And nobody heard a thing.
 
~~~~~~
Here is another version of the same scene:
The crowd was rooting for him. Women were throwing kisses in the air and one was even begging him to marry her. He is so lucky.
As he scanned the sea of faces earnestly, his eyes gleamed as they locked on hers. I live for you woman.
She smiled at him awkwardly, mouthing the words “I Love you, too’”.  He saw it again. The distance. The guilt. Guilt of not loving him back the way he did.
Eyes. How they give it all away.
He brushed it aside. Just like last time. I would rather live a lie.
 
PS : I am already way past the due date for Friday Fictioneers. But I wanted to take my time and do justice to this scene. Did you feel the pain of the character? I would appreciate any feed back that you can provide. 
Which version did you like better?
 
 
 
 

17 comments:

  1. Hmmm I liked the first one for it seems more painful - or rather the pain is well expressed in that one.

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    1. thank you shalz75! Appreciate your time.

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  2. I liked the first version more. The feelings of the woman, who was guilty of not loving the man as intensely as he did, and the man's reaction could all be felt through and through.Each emotion expressed through the eyes...no words required!
    Ah, the tragedy of one-sided love! Sigh.
    Nice attempt, Sampada!

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    1. Thank you Shilpa... Its hard isn't it? For the girl too, for that matter.

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  3. Interesting. Both are good and I like your fiction. Keep at it.

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  4. Very interesting, how a few words can change the way it feels. Both versions are nice though!

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    1. Yeah :) In the first version, the male character 'knows' for sure and accepts it. In the second, he is not ready to accept that yet. And is willing to ignore it.

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  5. Both versions very well written. I liked both of them, the first one a little more. It is a tad bit more heart wrenching.

    Shubhangi @ Ground Coffee Bean

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    1. Thank you Shubhangi! I am glad I was able to show that pain.

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  6. I liked both, the first perhaps slightly better than the second. Both are impactful though.

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  7. Well written and well conceived! I also preferred the first one. But I think that's because I read that first. I am not sure what my reaction would have been if I had read the second one first. Well done!

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  8. I love this line: His heart shattered into a million pieces. And nobody heard a thing. It is beautiful because of the music scene and makes it that much more painful. The second one is more practical, but it is human to feel hurt. Great job, Sampada! ❤️

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  9. I like the first one too... it just leaves a more haunting image with that last line.

    Godyears.net

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  10. I liked the first one more than the second version. It gives more details of her guilt and his shattered heart.
    Menaka Bharathi has recently published http://simpleindianmom.in/diet-thyroid-imbalance-dos-donts/

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  11. Like all others, I liked the first one better too, but I think it is because he understands his position and accepts the bitter truth. The second part seems pretty sad, for nobody deserves to live a lie. It showcases how desperate he is, in a way it sort of seems more painful than the first to me. Wonderful attempt though Sampada, it's amazing how you brought out such a difference in a single line.

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